Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
