Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
why do cheetos always look like penises
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
