Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
