I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Randomize
