I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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