I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Randomize
