I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
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