sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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