i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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