So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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