i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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