You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
