why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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