would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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