when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
