So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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