I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
