I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
