you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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