He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
Randomize
