it's too hot outside to masturbate.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
