I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
