everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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