Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
