he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
