My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
