He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
