whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
