jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
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