my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
