we're chasing vodka with high fives
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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