he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
