Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
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i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
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WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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