Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
