I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
