She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
my being single is dangerous.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize
