His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???