My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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