she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
