I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
