Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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