I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
