...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I'm really busy with my period
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