Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
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