Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
