I've come to the conclusion that as a grad student I would much rather prefer to get laid then get drunk
I think you know full well that a few years ago my stance was the polar opposite
i just wanna soil my oats bro
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
