Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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