Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
