we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
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