theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
