GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
