proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
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