I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Randomize
