Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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