we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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