What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Randomize
