Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
