I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
