I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Is it penis luge time yet?
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
