nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
it was like having sex with a tree stump
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I believe in your delicious
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
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