I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
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