yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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