I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
