so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
