I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Randomize
