Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
