I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Randomize
