I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
