i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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