It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
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what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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